Am I There Yet?

Surprise, I already made a pre-departure post! 

So what do I possibly have to say about this adventure even before I've left the States (since I obviously didn't at this point)? Well per usual, I've conjured up some overwhelming, exciting emotions that I hope simmer down before my flight (with the help of Xanax) because they sure didn't when they were inconveniently wiggled through my daily routine this whole summer.  I looked at the kids wearing flippers at the pool (like hopefully I'll be doing scuba diving) or would see something about Australia and I would do one of those That's So Raven motions to signal to my whole body to stand still so that my mind can concentrate on a future vision of what I will be doing. I kid you not. Never have I looked forward to something as much as this in my entire life; I think it's worthy of note to say that the previous event that held that honor was "the day I can pick out a pair of shoes without: crying, trying on 52 pairs, and/or getting bribed by the store owners with crowns, or costume jewelry." (Right, Mom?)

I've saved and then saved more on top of that savings. I've begged for jobs to do around the neighborhood or for my family. I've worked twelve hour shifts too many times to count and closed my wallet and walked away dignified when it came to me wanting a Starbucks Frappuccino or new running shoes. And with only about four days until departure, I am pretty proud of myself. But I'll be honest, I didn't realize it was going to be this expensive but what is a dream worth (excuse the pun) if it doesn't take sacrifice and persistence? One that isn't worth following, I'll tell you.

When I was going through one of those I'll-show-everyone-and-find-myself stages last year, taking a year off of school and traveling throughout the World was the only thing I wanted to do. I didn't see any option other than that because I felt I had to cure an insatiable need for diversity and originality. That transferring schools and switching majors and doing all those new, conventional routes wasn't going to be enough. Some of you cheered for me to take that year off. Some of you gave unrelenting advice to stay on track with college and find alternatives to cure that need. The obvious is known that I did stay on track but I couldn't tell you why I chose to; I really wanted to go and do all those volunteer programs for a year. A part of me still wishes I had. I wanted to pack up everything I could fit in a carryon and go to the farthest place possible I could with my minimum-wage supported bank account. Do what others usually don't. But whatever forces unknown to me directed me to subconsciously finish that Dayton application and complete the transfer process before I could really say "I'm not sure I want to do this."

Then come August, I was thrown into feeling like a first year student again in a place I really wasn't sure I intended to be. But it turned out making the best out of that situation came easy and it was the campus, everyone there, and my family that made me put my two feet back on the ground and starting running forward again. And it was the correlational feeling to that--confidence--that allowed me to dream bigger realities and tap into the ones I had all along. So, I ran those half-marathons, made the Dean's List, and completed service projects. But little did my conscious know that my Id--or subconscious (can you tell I'm a Psych major?)--had been brewing up another reality for me the next year; one that was so pervasive, it became a chronic thought ever since I stepped foot in the study abroad fair in September.

And that all brings me full circle to the here and now--a wonderful place to be. I've created my originality and diversity in this experience. I could have gone to Europe and done the backpacking in between classes and been with the multiple other people I know studying abroad there right now. But I chose a different continent where the majority of people don't always go. And in that, I became lucky enough to have one of my best friends studying at the same place. But I think there's a preconceived notion when it comes to studying abroad people make, that doesn't necessarily pertain to me. People assume others do it, besides getting a cultured education, to go and find themselves; and I even had that notion when I wanted to set sail last year. So, maybe that's majority, but that's not why I'm doing this. I'm doing this to validate who I already feel I am--finally allowing myself to become who I've always been. I want to know that this dream that's finally coming true--the one I've dreamt for as long as I can remember--means I really know who I am, after all. And that I don't need the Elizabeth Gilbert kind of soul-searching trip to really begin my life. I want to experience and savor and explore what this World has to offer.

I'm going to surprise myself on this trip. I'll do things maybe I'll never do again. Skydive? Scuba dive? Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge? Those are some scary things, but so fascinating in the same breath. And by the end, maybe I'll even voluntarily take back my words of thinking I won't "find myself." Maybe I'll become someone better. I may even be taking them back within the first day there but no matter what happens, I know that this experience had to happen--and that it was never going to not happen. All the loops and obstacles and sweat (from sitting in the sun at work, obviously) have made me that much more excited to be there already because it has meant I haven't given up despite things not going so smoothly. And even saying that much has already started the validation process.

So, if you're reading this now because you've gotten my word saying I've arrived, I welcome you aboard and may my validating-of-the-self journey not disappoint.